How to deal with a narcissistic:  What works and what doesn’t

Dealing with a narcissist may seem like an endless mountain, particularly if they only ever think about themselves. Regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, they might manipulate a situation to get what they want. Unfortunately, narcissists fail to realize how self-centered they are.

Adverse childhood events, past trauma, lack of social skills, or plain desperation to have their needs met could be a few reasons that they turned out to be the persons they are. They can be hard to be around, making emotional situations hard to untangle. When confronted with toxic narcissism, removing yourself from the relationship is often the best and the safest course of action. But what options remain when that person is a family member?

How to Recognize a Narcissist

A narcissist has an inflated self-image, constant need for praise, and lack of empathy or desire to genuinely understand others’ needs. A narcissist is often solely concerned with themselves and their needs, and does not properly process or engage with the world around them. It’s always about them; their needs, their ideas and their problems – they couldn’t be bothered about the world around them.  With an ago inflated with grandiosity and self-entitlement, they expect unreasonable special treatment and will do whatever it takes to be the center of everyone’s universe — for better or for worse.

Here are some of the symptoms to look out for:

• The Trophy Complex:

Here you see the narcissist often uses objects, people, status or accomplishments to represent the “self” while substituting these things for their inadequate “real” self.  They dominate conversations, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms.   They don’t tire talking about their accomplishments and achievements, or anything extraordinary to boost their superiority complex. Furthermore, they will brag, shamelessly name-drop, and outright lie about their abilities, experiences, accomplishments just to feel superior.  Their obsession with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success knows no bounds!

At work, they may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to feel superior, or belittle others, or just to get approval from higher-level people.

At home, a narcissist can impact the entire family.  More often than not, they are highly critical of their partners, distant, and dismissive. One could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely when in a relationship with a narcissist.

• The unicorn syndrome:

 Narcissists not only think they are the center of their own universe, but they think they are the center of YOUR universe. They will expect you to cater to their needs and often take advantage of others, manipulating them any way possible. In doing so, they are chasing a ‘imaginary unicorn, that most often than not, does not exist.  They tend to have unrealistic expectations for their partner, which frequently leads them to being unhappy in relationships once the initial sparkle has worn off, and their partner shows their more human and flawed sides. They demand constant attention and admiration along with special accommodations and favors.  Once the ‘honeymoon phase’ has worn off, and their partner shows their more human and flawed sides,  the narcissist determines that person has failed them, and devalue or discard them.

• Lack of empathy: Narcissists often lack empathy as a result of dehumanizing others. To feel empathy, one must feel emotion, and narcissists do not display emotion!  They wouldn’t portray feelings that would make them feel vulnerable and a sense of lack of control. Narcissists cannot be genuinely interested in the lives, emotions, needs, and hopes of people around them.
• Manipulation Unlimited!

Narcissists are liars, and they know how to play the game better than anyone else. This is particularly an issue when dealing with covert narcissists – these are narcissists who understand how important it is to make people believe what they want to believe. They manipulate those around them with white lies, empty promises, and fake smiles to satisfy their own self-serving needs. This applies to parents, siblings, co-workers, managers, spouses, children, and friends. In a relationship, the narcissist may use guilt-tripping behaviors to get what they want from their partner until they exhaust them to submission.

• Love with benefits:

Narcissists may bombard their partners with affection, and gifts of time, energy, or whatever it takes to build a facade of intimacy and trust, just to make their partner stay in the relationship. They do not want to be rejected and abandoned, so they choose to control others instead.

Some even go to the extent of restricting who their partners spend time with and how much money have access to.  They isolate their partners from loved ones and convince them to cut off these relationships, even if they have to spread lies about their loved ones.  Certain narcissists tend to treat their partners as young toddlers or kids, allowing the narcissist to take away the partner’s responsibilities, self-confidence, or limit their ability to perform simple tasks.

How to Deal with a Narcissistic Family Member

“When we meet and fall into the gravitational pull of a narcissist, we are entering a significant life lesson that involves learning how to create boundaries, self-respect, and resilience. Through trial and error (and a lot of pain), our connection with narcissists teaches us the necessary lessons we need to become mature empaths.” ― Mateo Sol

Living with a narcissist family member is not easy.  Especially when the narcissist is your better half, it will require a more advanced emotional skill set.   It can be frustrating and emotionally draining.  Your entire existence will seem to revolve around them, leaving you feeling judged and drained by their unending demands.

They believe they are perfect, so whatever happens at home or work or in any given situation is always someone else’s fault.

Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.

What to Do with a Narcissist

Take these steps to handle a narcissist in your home:

Educate yourself.

Take an active effort to learn more about the disorder. Understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses, which can help you handle them better. Know who they are and have realistic expectations.  Recognize their manipulative tactics and the reasons why your partner behaves in certain ways. Some of these emotional manipulation tactics could be bullying, providing the silent treatment, gaslighting, exploiting insecurities and weaknesses, blackmailing, unwarranted criticisms and ultimatums.

1. Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries; about what is acceptable and what is not. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions.  You cannot control their behavior, you can control your own. Avoid enabling the narcissist to avoid a fight. 

 “There is a difference between supporting someone and feeding someone’s narcissism. One is support and the other is not.” — Fathom

Set limits on what you will do.  Stop putting up with disrespectful behavior.  Set a limit to listening to unwarranted rants or frequent phone calls if necessary.  Stand up for yourself, restate your boundary, acknowledge their unacceptable behaviors, and push back against their violations.  When you need something, be clear and concise. Make sure they understand your request.

Don’t second guess yourself with the narcissist.

Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or manipulate you. You don’t need to justify yourself to the narcissist. Not even when they make you doubt about yourself or your perceptions.  It is common in a household with narcissists. They do something unacceptable; and you react or confront them on it.  The narcissist then twists and turn events to make it sound like you were the one in the wrong.

It is their goal to make them look good while you look bad.  DON’T FALL FOR IT.

Create a support system.

Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. The narcissist will try to isolate you by spinning tales about you and your loved ones to create confusions and misunderstandings.

  “When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will attempt to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but you stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.” – Jill Blakeway

 Statements like, “Everyone kept telling me about you, but I didn’t listen, or, your mother told me you might do this” tend to create barriers and distrust.  Be sure to verify before you give in.  Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you.

Keep your calm.

  Your narcissist will try to push your buttons at every given opportunity.   Keep your calm. Don’t give them the satisfaction they’re seeking but instead, act like they don’t affect you at all and keep going through with the rest of your day. The more you show your annoyance, the more likely they’ll show their narcissism more.  This is easier said than done.  Seek a therapist if you need help. Find time to do things that make you happy. Watch movies, read your favorite book, or go on a long walk or drive. Find your own fun activities despite your relationship with this person. Treat yourself the way you wish others would treat you.

Know when enough is enough. 

Narcissists will often convince you that you have no options outside the relationship, and that you can’t be trusted to make decisions on your own. Accept what you can, and know that it is okay to leave the relationship if there are major issues or your partner is unwilling to work toward compromise.

“You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.” — Unknown

The question to ask yourself is:

• Do you feel safe?
• How does this affect your physicality, emotional well-being, financial stability, and parental role?
• If you do not feel safe in any of these areas, you might need to explore your exit plans from this relationship.

What Not to Do with a Narcissist

Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.

Don’t argue or confront.

 For your own safety, do not confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.  Don’t directly tell them they are wrong.  NARCISSISTS ARE NEVER WRONG.  Use tact and tell them in an indirect way that you see things differently.  Don’t call them a liar.  Things can escalate quickly.  Use humor, instead, to gently deflect the situation. Or use a sugarcoating approach where you open and close the conversation with positive remarks about the person you’re speaking with. When things go out of hand, disengage from the conversation and do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation.

Don’t expect them to apologize.

 Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.

 “There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one.” – Jeffrey Kluger.

Save yourself the heartbreak, and don’t ever assume that the narcissist has genuine feelings or cares.

Avoid sharing too much information.

Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response.  Avoid giving them information or sharing details that they can later use against you.  Avoid details about your last breakup or the time when you were fired from your previous job.

Don’t let go of your boundaries. 

Once you set limits, be firm and stick to them.  Don’t tolerate abusive or toxic behaviors. Many times, cutting a person who displays severely narcissistic qualities out of your life is the most viable and effective way to prevent further emotional trauma or abuse. Make sure you let them know you can and will break off contact if certain behaviors persist.  Be specific about what you will tolerate and what you will not.

Don’t feed into emotional tantrums: 

If your narcissist family member lashes out, or is having an emotional tantrum, give them space to begin learning how to self-soothe and to break this cycle.

Final Thoughts

Being married to a narcissist is challenging and can impact you in a multitude of ways. Recognize the ways in which your partner is affecting you, validate your needs and wants, nurture other healthy relationships, and make sure you’re getting the support you need. Remind yourself that it is not your job to change your partner; instead, advocate for your needs and be sure to take care of yourself.