Toxic Masculinity: What you need to know

We have all heard it: In our own houses, in the school, in the playground, or at work, in our own offices.  “Boys will be boys”!  I have heard this phrase in more contexts and in several situations than I can actually remember.

So, what is wrong with this phrase, you may ask?

A boy knocks off a girl on the playground while practicing on his bicycle.  The girl falls down, looks at her scraped knee and begins to cry.  “Boys will be boys” cries out the boy’s mother in a ‘know all exasperation’ and walks off.  What does the phrase even mean?

Every culture has set unsaid, set of traits for masculinity which a biological boy is expected to uphold, no matter what.   When taken to dispropionate terms, these same traits tend to become a form of stoicism, dominance, violence, and aggression which has harmed rather than helped both the genders in different ways.  It relies on a notion that the male gender has to express itself through a rough exterior and a show of violence.  It tells the female gender that all male violence and dominance is to be excused unconditionally.

That’s where the term ‘toxic masculinity’ comes to play.

“The first time I told them I wanted to be a nurse; they laughed at me and asked me ‘to be a man’ and choose a man’s profession”, says Jack (name changed for anonymity).  “Nursing and teaching are for girls; real men choose to be a pilot or an engineer”.  Similar gender-based stereotypes have often made men insecure and unsure about expressing their true feelings.

How many times have you heard the phrase ‘man up’ or ‘boys don’t cry’ just thrown around casually? It might sound like a harmful banter on the surface, but its underlying implication that ‘real men’ should bottle up their feelings, or should mask their true emotions is an explicit example of stigma that surrounds men’s mental health.    

Men are often expected to develop super human coping capabilities that often involve striving hard in the face of prolonged stress and discrimination.  This has resulted in lesser reporting of depressive episodes in men but the fact however remains that they complete suicide at far higher rates than women.    While it may feel nice to encourage certain aspects of masculinity, like power, toughness and self-sacrifice in some instances, one must be proactive to realize that the same tough demeanor that might save a fighter in a war field can destroy it at home with a romantic partner or child.

Traditional Masculinity vs Toxic Masculinity

So where does the thin line of traditional masculinity end and toxic masculinity start?

Masculinity is good.  Being brave or ‘macho’ is awesome.   Huge respect to men who work hard, provide for one’s family, play and win at sports, frequent the gym and are fiercely loyal. Most importantly, there’s nothing toxic about wanting to be respected.   But when the same manhood or ‘machoism’ has to be  expressed through substance abuse, homophobia, sexism, harassment, extreme risk-taking, and violence, there lies the problem.

So, remember this next time!

Each time you are telling your son to ‘man up’ or not to ‘cry like a girl’ you are re-enforcing what the researchers call ‘toxic masculinity’ a term that signifies that men should be tough and strong, a term that strips a boy or a man of their right to express themselves or their feelings, leading to emotional and mental distress.  And at a time like this, when the whole world has been reeling under the aftermath of a global pandemic, and dealing with loss of lives and a livelihood, loss of control and a sense of comfort, where men already are feeling the pressure leading to increased drug overdose and suicide, it is time that we begin to detoxify masculinity while paving the path to gender equality.   Let’s try striping ‘toxic’ from the classic patterns of masculinity.

How has this toxic masculinity impacted the mental health of men and the society in general?

Dictionary.com defines toxic masculinity as “a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health.”.

How has the societal expectations of boys or men in general?

• Suffer pain in silence; do not talk about your fears or stress
• Never demonstrate any signs of weakness
• Men aren’t expected to express needs
• Raising children is a ‘woman’s job’
• Be brave in all circumstances; have control
• Show no emotions other than bravado or rage
• Don’t depend on anyone
• Never show any interest in dressing up or fashion

Toxic masculinity is often seen in seemingly harmless comments and traits, such as:

• “Throw like a man, dude” This is how I throw; if I am not very good at it, so be it.
• “Don’t cry like a girl”:  Why can’t I cry?  I feel hurt and sad too…
• “Don’t whine; man up” What is manning up, anyway?
• “What?  You are not into sports?  What kind of a man are you?”  Yes, I am a man and my interests include art, painting and cooking.  So what?

It is often demonstrated in:

• Emotional suppression, often sadness and feelings of overwhelm
• Use of ‘power’ to assert dominance
• Stress related to constant pressure to appear strong, to often provide and support without expecting the same in return
• Sexual aggression and a desire to control
• Increased risk taking behaviors such as heavy drinking,  sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, using tobacco, speed driving and avoiding vegetables
• Inability/unwillingness to apologize; especially to women
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Sleep deprivation
• Hyper competitiveness

Define your own masculinity

If you are a man reading this; I am sure you have experienced the pressures imposed by the society at some point in your life.  Undoing toxic masculinity as a man involves being true to yourself, not some false idea of the person you should be.  Know where you currently stand and plan your path ahead. 

Identifying and acknowledging the traits that have been ingrained into you is a first step. Define what it means to be a ‘man’ to you. 

How would you want to define your masculinity?

 Do you want to include tenderness and vulnerability along with your strength and love for adventure?

Invite a friend or a male counterpart to share your emotions or feelings.   Be open about how you feel.  You will be surprised at what the other has to say.   

This is something I am working hard to change. I want men to know that their internal struggles are just as valid as any other struggle, and these do not make them less of a man.

Raising a boy….

Raise boys to be good humans, not just ‘boys’.  Do not let their gender by an excuse to violent behavior or not respecting boundaries. 

Teaching them to respect and nurture all humans from an early age will help them to cherish the women in their lives instead of viewing women as objects, the property of men, and less valuable than men.

Instead of teaching boys to “take it like a man” and “have the balls” to get whatever it is they want, teach them to express their feelings and wait for their turn.  It is okay for boys to cry, to say they are not feeling well, to say they are hurt.

When you tell your little toddler ‘big boys don’t cry’ or your middle schooler to ‘toughen up’ or a high schooler to ‘do something about it’   know that you are unwittingly laying the foundation for them to tap into their aggression instead.  Break the cycle.  Teach your boys the basic elements of nurturing and caring just as you would with your girls.  Help them to be independent; masculinity is good, over emphasizing on it is not.  Know the difference.

Teach your young men the true concept of manly versus non-manly activities.  Encourage them to feel comfortable in their own skin; to pursue things they are passionate about.   Every activity, every pursuit, when followed with zeal and enthusiasm is “manly enough.” Teach them to build themselves up without tearing others down.   

Take care of the men in your lives…

June is men’s health month.  Take this opportunity to talk to men in your life and know what is happening with them.  Check in, ask them how they feel, and let them know that you are available.  Do you see increased aggression and irritation in your man lately?   They might be masking signs of sadness, helplessness and depression.  Are they refusing to seek professional help?  Be patient.  Offer to go along with them.  Let them know they are not alone.

Because of the way many men have been brought up, they may not want to bring up their vulnerabilities; their weaknesses; they may not want to admit that everything is not actually alright.   They may look at men around them and feel that no one else shares the same conflict; the same pain which in turn solidifies their belief that they are alone and weak.   If only these men learnt to express themselves, they would   realize that other men are also harboring private thoughts and struggles.  Everyone is going through their own personal conflicts

A Concluding Note

Toxic masculinity needs to be addressed.  Instilling a mindset of openness and helping them realize learn that demonstrating emotions don’t devalue them or make them weak is the need of the hour. It is important to know that everyone has bad days, everyone struggles at some point and finds it difficult to cope.  And it is okay to feel that way.  Everyone is human and finding healthy ways to process emotions is important for all us, especially men.