How to Maintain Healthy Boundaries with Your Adult Children

Time does fly by!  Before you know it, your little one is an adult himself and is now in a position to take his or her own decisions.

But watching your little one growing up could hurt at times. The ambivalence one feels as they try to figure out ‘adulting’, while going through the painful lessons that life so often does seem to teach-can be nerve wrecking to most parents.  The separation anxiety is now shifted from the child to the parent.  There is sadness and emptiness as much as there is relief.

Dilemmas of a parent with adult children

What happens, if during this phase, the adult child continues to act entitled to benefits, that he received as a child?

Or if you still have to pay for their car insurance just because your name is on the title, or their student loans just because you signed as their guarantor?

Where to draw the line between helping and enabling adult children?

How do you help your reckless son to become financially independent?

How do you empower your son who struggles with physical/mental ailments to live in his own apartment?

How do you balance the desire to house your adult child and their family while giving them to independence and the space they deserve?

Sound familiar?

Are you still sacrificing too much to meet your adult child’s needs?

Is the fear of ‘hurting their feelings’ making you give in to their every whim and fancy?

Does the worry, frustration and stress of having to take care of your child’s family making you feel burdened, used, resentful, or burnt out?

You are not alone.  Many have been there and have learnt the hard way. After your kids grow up, you remain a parent, but your job description changes. Your adult children can make their own decisions, and you’re both free to determine how you want to interact with each other. Setting boundaries will help you to maintain a healthy relationship.  Boundaries with adult children can feel uncomfortable and a bit weird at first, but the more you persevere, the easier it will get.  Often times, it is the parent or the parents who enable their children into getting overly dependent.  It could very well stem from a parent’s inward need to feel ‘needed’.

There may be many issues to sort out. For some parents, it’s a matter of encouraging healthy independence in their children. For others, there may be conflicts caused by feeling neglected or disrespected.

Use your emotional boundaries to clarify your priorities and let others know how you want to be treated. Try these tips for parenting your adult children.

Guiding Your Adult Children Toward Independence

The coronavirus has increased the already high numbers of adult children living with their parents. In such circumstances, boundaries that distinguish between helping and enabling may prepare your kids to move out sooner or make it easier to live under the same roof.

Try these techniques to encourage independence in your grown-up kids:

1. Listen closely. Provide your children with a sounding board rather than trying

to fix their troubles for them. They’ll learn more by coming up with their own

solutions. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, “What can you do now in this situation?” or ‘What are your options here?’

Communicate your expectations clearly.  State what is allowed or permissible without telling the person what to do. For instance, “We can talk after you complete your chore”” rather than “you need to be quiet.”.

2. Expect contributions. Depending on the circumstances, you might ask your

child to pay their share of the rent or cover additional expenses such as food and utilities. It’s also reasonable to share household chores.

It is never too easy to see your child struggle or juggle between two jobs, work and family.  However, forego your urge to over-indulge.   Set up a time and system to make them financially independent. Let them know how much their bills on their cell phones on your family account are.  Let them know the cost of their insurance.

3.Make investments. Attach some conditions to your financial support if you

think your child needs more guidance. You might pay for certain expenses, such

as tuition or the deposit on an apartment.  But never under any circumstance indiscriminately give money. Providing for their needs or expenses should be contingent on their own efforts toward independence.

4. Set goals. Work with your child to develop a plan for them to become

self-supporting. Discuss the consequences for failing to stay on track.  It can be extremely hard to say ‘NO’ to your own flesh and blood.  After all, no matter how older they get, they are still your children and you their parent.   However, it is equally important to set boundaries and set clear achievable goals within a given timeframe.

For instance, if ‘taking care’ of your adult child, cooking for him and filling out his job applications makes you miss your time with your friends or hobbies, it is time you draw a line.  Supporting your adult child doesn’t mean you neglect your self-care or get lost in the process.

5.Consult your partner. Ensure that your spouse or other relevant family

members are on board. You’re more likely to succeed if you present a united

front.  On the same note, talk to other parents who experience similar issues with their adult children or have already been down this road. Their support and empathy will make it seem less stressful.

6. Be consistent. Don’t flip-flop on what the boundaries are.  If you have set up a time for them to be home at evenings, and you begin to cave in when they begin to show up late, you are sending a clear message to your child that the rules don’t mean much, don’t need to be respected, and can easily be changed.

Follow through with the consequences of bad behavior. Don’t be afraid to discipline.  Don’t be overly upset if they are angry with you. Establish specific dates and time when you expect the unwanted behavior to change.  This will serve as a valuable tool in the long run.

Dealing with Disrespect

Do you feel like your adult children are rude or hostile towards you? Resolving

conflicts promptly may help you to avoid more serious estrangements.

Try these tips:

1.Hold yourself accountable. Your child may need to vent about your past

performance as a parent. You can treat yourself with compassion while being

open to what they have to say.   There are times when you need to look deep into yourself and change the way you respond to your children. Do you constantly interfere in their matters?  Do you still try to make their decisions for them? Don’t try to change them.

Resist the temptation to explain why you may have done something, usually with good intent because you did not want them getting hurt.  Do not make them feel as though they need to explain further, leading being shut down again and create greater resentment. Rather, focus on the feelings your adult child is having rather than the content they are bringing up, to have a better chance of validation and apology.

Stop the money flow if you need to. Stop running to their rescue as soon as the problem arises.  Fixing everything for them hinders their ability to learn and grow. Love them, support them, and let them know you are there for them; but don’t enable them.

2.Be flexible. What if your child wants some time apart? Let them know that

you’re willing to work on your differences and eager to welcome them back

when they’re ready to talk.

3. Set limits. You may need to decide what conduct you consider intolerable. If the situation is more than you can handle on your own, find a support group or a therapist who specializes in family dynamics.

  Even if your daughter had finally managed to keep her own house clean and neat, once she is in with her parents, it is easy to slip into older habits in a familiar environment.  Here’s when boundaries come in place.   Let them know that you expect them to wash their own dishes or do their own laundry.  Discuss earlier on, how you will share chores and responsibilities.

Other Issues in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children:

1. Address special needs. There may be valid reasons why your child needs your

support long after they turn 21. That may include mental and physical health

conditions, as well as financial setbacks.   Teach your child at an earlier age to keep medical appointments and follow-ups.  Focus on what works for your family

instead of feeling constrained by traditions

2. Stay in touch. What if you just want to see more of your children? Long

distances and busy schedules can make that difficult. Suggest fun opportunities

to get together without applying undue pressure. Take advantage of video calls

and other technology.  Regular family meetings either personally or via zoom or video calls will allow a safe space for siblings and parents to share issues of concern, and to process hard things together.

3. Allow your children to raise their kids their way. Defer to their rules and avoid

overstepping unless there’s an urgent health and safety concern.  Remember, your adult children have the right to make, and learn from, their own mistakes.  The grandparent’s role is not to challenge but to fit in with the family culture.  By doing this, you respect their boundaries.

4.Pursue your goals. Remember that there’s more to you than being a parent.  Often times, with unconditional love of parents, comes a deep-rooted need to satisfy unmet needs such as the desire to be needed, the urge to nurture and care, the need to have a child who loves us unconditionally back.

Create a balanced life where you can take care of your other responsibilities

and fulfill your personal dreams.

Remember that your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Pursue your own hobbies or develop new ones.  Volunteer at charities.  Fill up your void with productive endeavors.

 Give them wings and teach them to fly

Although the initial transition from co-dependency to a life of complete independence may be difficult; the parents need to decide to make the transition as smooth as possible for their children.

Enjoy sharing your love and wisdom with your adult children and be open to learning from them too. Respecting each other’s boundaries will help you to draw closer together.