HOW I SURVIVED STONEWALLING AT MY WORKPLACE

Do you work for a manager that micro manages you?  Do you feel or continually experience your manager checking on you, critiquing or complaining about your every whereabout, assignment or project? 

What can be worse than an omnipresent manager who watches your every move; you may ask?

The manager who wouldn’t manage

After having being micro managed by managers, supervisor’s and many others for several long years, I ventured upon this new job, the perfect ‘dream job’ or so I thought.  I have always been a ‘high performer’ and that is what I intended on doing at my new workplace.

On the first day of my job, where I was navigating through uncharted waters, I was not just motivated and ready for the adventure, but excited to delve into a new world of a strategically laid out work process; which would groom me and help me flawlessly transition from a novice to an accomplished, proficient professional.  I was more than willing to take on the challenge; to put in the hard work; to make a difference.   I expected a strategically laid out, step-by-step training plan, which would flawlessly transition me from being a fresh rookie to a confident, competent professional.

But to my dismay, reality was far from perfect. When I asked about my role expectations and the existing work processes, I was slapped with a job description for a particular role with no explanations about the resources available. As days turned to weeks, I often found myself in a sink or swim situation; where I was expected to jump right in; fix the existing flaws; figure out right from wrong on my own; troubleshoot, and do whatever it took to keep myself from sinking deeper.

Was I going on the right track?  I didn’t know.

From desperation to hitting the stone wall

Lacking in support and mentorship, I found myself knocking on doors, asking questions and relentlessly seeking information, until I eventually found myself stone walled by the seemingly good intentioned, ‘busy’ managers.   Unfortunately, they no longer seemed enthusiastic to see me or meet with me.  Soon enough, they stop answering or deflect my questions, undermined my input, and ignored my pleas for resources or other support. My attempts to communicate were met with indifference.

Busy or intentional stonewalling?

Were my managers busy?  Aren’t all managers?

Were they being passive aggressive?  ‘I don’t think so.  They had employed me to do a job, after all’

Why were then, my attempts to communicate met with silence?  The constant refusals to grant appointments, the silent treatment, lack of interest in discussions, and the constant turning away had me wondering if I was actually boring, unreasonable, and incompetent or always making a big deal out of nothing.

What do you do when your manager has no time to manage you?

I wasn’t exactly the novice nurse, fresh out of school.  I had years of rock-solid experience. I was however, in a new role, in a new organization.  I had taken up a position, in which I had assisted earlier, but never had independently practiced.  Autonomy was cool.  But lack of direction and coaching sucked.  Eventually I began feeling frustrated, depressed and even abandoned; I felt every door closing down on me; and an emotional claustrophobia began to set in; without proper training, communication and crystal-clear expectations; I felt lost and struggled to thrive. 

Was it ideal?  By a far chance, no.

Was I going to slide it by, allowing it to ruin my years of dedication, resolve and hard work?  Absolutely not.

What do you do when your manager has no time to manage you?

Being stone walled felt odd and cold.  Human beings are social animals with a desire to connect.  When someone was deliberate about not wanting to connect; I felt abandoned even though nothing was said.  However, if there was one thing to remember, I was not there to make friends.  I was there to learn something new; to make a difference, to leave a mark.   Sinking was the solution; I had to swim and get across. This was how I chose to do it:

• Self-reflection:  I began looking deep within my own self.  Had I somehow prompted this behavior? By self-reflecting, I hoped to approach work with an improved state of awareness and confidence.    Was it my behavior that caused stone-walling?  Was I overwhelming them with my questions?  Being posted in a unique position, was I putting them at a vulnerable spot by asking questions they did not have the answers to?  If so, how could I make it right by them?  Were there other avenues to explore?
• Once, I got into a self-reflective mode, I began to empathize with them.  Yes, you heard me right.  Foolish though it may seem, I knew meeting silence with silence was not the answer. I began to realize that it may not even be about me completely.  I couldn’t fix someone else’s behavior but I could choose not to let it drain me emotionally.  I could choose to take some time apart for myself and to focus on my own needs. 

• Refraining from negativity.  Although, I was tempted to justify myself and defend my actions by venting with my colleagues, I decided to let go of the negative emotions.  Gossip or sarcasm would have helped me feel better for a short while but eventually I knew, any negativity that I spread around would come around.  It took some will power and plenty of mindfulness to let go of the nagging self-pity, hurt, resentment and anger.  
• Instead, I decided to put in the hard work.  I still had questions to which I needed the answers.  I began finding different avenues to find the answers.  I began mingling with a diverse skill set who would eventually give me a balanced view of the organization.  Instead of trying to meet my managers for work direction, I began emailing them about the measures I had taken about a particular task and requesting feedback.   Being a nurse, my first obligation was towards my patients.  I began getting to know them and finding innovative ways to educating them, involving them in their care.
• Next, I sought and utilized every opportunity for professional development.  Did the webinars, enrolled in courses and read books.  Contacted similar professionals in different facilities within the vicinity and got to know their flow of work.  I began studying the organizational culture. Eventually, I began to understand.  The more I understood; the better my workflow grew.
• Now that I had figured out my workflow, next was organizing the entire workload.   I knew I would never survive an encounter with my managers if I was overwhelmed, stressed out, and constantly busy, so it was important that I had my worksheet arranged and organized. Where coaching and mentoring lacked, self-learning and perseveration prevailed.
• I was in a sink or swim environment.  There was no option but to swim and succeed.    Where I was expected to work 8 hours in a day, I decided to stay back a bit longer to learn the ropes.   I began taking notes throughout the day.  I began meeting people working different shift to learn the workflow.  And as time flew, my confidence grew.
• Gentle confrontation.  As my confidence grew, and I knew I had begun delivering results, I knew there was just one step more that I needed to take. A direct, tactful confrontation.  One fine morning, I just walked over to the manager’s office.  It had been over a month since I met them for a one-to-one.  I asked them for a performance evaluation.  I was tactful when I asked if there was any area they thought I needed improving.  I could tell, I took them by surprise.  I mustered enough courage to ask, “If I am getting this wrong and you are needing something different from me or if I am somehow overwhelming you with my constant questions, I am open to hearing that too – just let me know how we can work together while continuing to offer each other space”.  I did not get an immediate reply, but I knew I had hit bull’s eye. 

 I had made known that I was open to discussion, the rest was up to them.  As for me, I now had several other avenues to help me grow and succeed.

Enjoying my new found freedom.

 Once, I learnt to take things in my own hands, I began to realize how free I was.  What I initially felt was abandonment, I now consider redemption.  I am grateful to have a manager that does not always look over my shoulder or micro manages me.  Has anything changed at my workplace?  Perhaps some.  Have I changed?  Yes, and with my change, I have been able to bring about a positive change.

A Concluding note for my readers

Have you ever had a similar experience?  Do your managers or co-workers ignore you when you talk or do not respond to your queries?  Do you get left out of important notifications or events? Do your co-workers or superiors refuse to listen when you speak or belittle your ideas? Feeling hurt, angry, confused and frustrated in situations like this normal.  But dwelling on these emotions is not.  Take control of your life today.  Set your boundaries and expand your horizons.

Unhealthy feelings and emotions lead to unproductive behaviors, leading to decreased productivity and motivation. Conversely, if you consciously choose neutral or positive thoughts, you will soon learn to regulate your emotions and behaviors.

I would love to hear your thoughts, insights and experiences in the comments section.