Gaslighting-All you need to know

The term ‘Gaslighting’ has its origins from as early as 1938, when a mystery play written by Patrick Hamilton called “Gaslight” gained significant popularity and was later released as a movie.  The movie depicted the husband (played by Charles Boyer), manipulating his young, innocent and trusting wife (played by Ingrid Bergman) into believing she can no longer believe her own perceptions of reality.

More recently, it made the short list for Oxford’s Dictionary Word of the Year 2018, thanks to public dissatisfaction with politicians who stretch the truth.

So, what is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional abuse; it’s a mind game, a recurrent occurrence of verbal assault that eventually deprives its victim of their own self-identity, self-worth and even sanity.  The perpetuators are often manipulative and gaslight their victims with an intention to gain undue power and control over them.  The ultimate gain for the gas lighter is weakened resistance and broken spirit of the victim, while appearing blameless, innocent and the upper hand at any given relationship.

Sadly, gas lighters are everywhere.  They are found in every kind of relationship, including personal, intimate, social and even professional.  They are found among politicians, celebrities or even in your own surroundings.  They could be your family member, your neighbor, co-worker, manager, or even that social media influencer whose fan you are.  It works on a single principle:

“If you start telling a lie often enough; people will will eventually believe it”

How do you know if you are a victim of gaslighting?

• Seemingly meaningless lies.   The first sign of a gas lighter?  They lie.  They lie constantly.  Not just lie, but may even create a negative narrative about you. They lie until an abusive pattern is set; until the victim begins to self-doubt.   The more vulnerable the victim becomes, the more control they have gained over them.  “You know I did the laundry yesterday” they might say, even when you clearly see the laundry is piling up.  When it happens constantly enough, you begin asking yourself if they actually did it, despite evidence to the contrary.

• Denying and creating confusion. “That never happened at all.  You are just imagining it.” “Everyone knows I am right; you’re overreacting.”  “I did not tell you we could go to that show today, it must have been on your own mind” even though plans were being made all month.   Although you know the truth, they confidently deny it, until you start to question whether you somehow imagined it all.  They might also challenge and question your memory. The Gas lighter may deny and pretend to forget incidents or events that recently happened and, in the manner, they happened further creating confusion in the victim’s mind. They may also create false details of the incident or event that did not occur.

A simpler example of gaslighting might be a father always disapproving his son’s decisions and discrediting him until the son begins to question his decisions, he suspects his dad would not agree with.

Gaslighting may also occur among high school or college students, where one constantly demeans and bullies the other to gain popularity or control.

Or at a workplace, where a co-worker or manager belittles his sub-ordinates efforts or decisions, until the employee begins to dread coming to work.

Common phrases used by gas lighters:

“Oh, come on. I never said that.”

“You always jump to the wrong conclusion.”

“It’s your fault I cheated.”

“Your friends are idiots.”

“You know no one else thinks that way, right?”

“You’re just over-sensitive.”

“I’m not mad. What are you talking about?”

“This is why everyone thinks you are crazy”

• Invalidating you while wearing you down. By being adamant on his behaviors, the gas lighter eventually wears down their victim; until the victim feels totally defeated, debilitated, discouraged and even resigned.  By this time, it no longer matters if they are right or not.   They might have already begun questioning their own perception, identity, and reality.  When the gas lighter says, you’re crazy, a liar, unstable, a failure, or have lost your mind you begin to wonder if it is actually true.

• Stereotyping.

The gas lighter may sometimes intentionally use negative stereotypes of a person’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to manipulate them. For instance, a woman may constantly be told that she is irrigational, hyper-sensitive, a nagger or just acting crazy.

• Projection. “Me, cheating? You’re the one always sneaking out on me”. Projecting their behavior upon others is a gas lighter’s signature technique.  They will make you beg for forgiveness even for the wrongs that they might have committed against you.  “You give me so little attention; it’s your fault that I started seeing her/him”, might be one of the phrases used here.

When they begin accusing you of one of their behavior’s, you not only begin to feel unsure of your accusations and behaviors, but also feel guilty of having accused/caused them. This is classic gaslighting behavior. Hence, it’s always your fault that they crashed the car, maxed out the credit card, or had an extra marital affair and they don’t need to change anything.

• Mis matched emotions

Gas lighters might shower you with affection, attention, and gifts, when it pleases them only to take it all away and tear you apart later. They will make promises and commitments but when it comes to action, their behavior is altogether different.” We never made those anniversary plans.  You must have imagined that whole thing”

 Gas lighters do not like to be told of their shortcomings and may resort to extreme bullying or violence if confronted. “If you are lucky, I might even forgive you” is a commonly used phrase to extract control. 

Gas lighters are also known to use the infamous ‘silent treatment’ as a method of extracting control and punishing the gaslighted.  When you begin to question about it, they act innocent as if they know nothing of what you are talking about. Now, not only are you confused about what they’re upset about, but you are questioning your feelings that they are upset at all. They may also twist and redirect the conversation into an argument about the person’s credibility.

• Social Isolation

Often times, it is the friends and family of the victim who first begin to notice the signs of gaslighting. Most often than not, they are not satisfied by being the primary relationship you have.  They want to be the ‘only one’.  They want you to be co dependent on them for everything.  They will try to isolate you from your friends, family and loved ones.

In certain cases, Gas lighter might spread rumors about you to relatives, friends and others significantly close to you.   On pretense of loving, you and being worried about you, they sow seeds of suspicion and hatred.  At times, they may even convince your loved ones that you seem to be emotionally unstable or crazy. This way gas lighter isolates the victim from getting help

What Will You Do When Your Partner Gaslights You?

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, here’s some advice:

Protect Yourself

 How can you protect yourself if you feel like you’re being undermined? Try these suggestions for steps to take by yourself and with your partner to change the way you communicate.

 Steps to Take by Yourself:

    1. Spot the signs. Gaslighting can involve many different kinds of behavior. Your partner may make false accusations or tell you that you’re overreacting. They may distort reality and challenge your faith in yourself.  Pay attention to what the person does, not what they say.  Your gut feeling is your guidance system, make sure to listen to it.  Victims of prolonged gas lighting often stop listening to their own intuitions because they fear backlash.

   2. Accept your feelings. It’s important to remember that your emotions are natural and valid, especially if your partner tends to dismiss them. Practice observing and identifying your feelings without making judgements.  Look for triggers that cause negative reactions in yourself.

    3. Gather documentation. If you think your partner is frequently inaccurate or deceptive, keep track of events yourself. You may want to write in a journal or save text messages and other communications. Do you see any patterns? Write down how this person makes you feel too.

Taking pictures can also help you check your facts and rewind your  memories to the fact and assure you that you are not imagining things.

 Techniques like name-calling, belittling or dismissing your feelings along with circular arguments serve to mentally exhaust and distract you from reality.  Writing down, saving the texts and then reviewing conversations helps you decipher reality from distortions and preserve your sanity as you work toward uncovering the truth. 

    4. Stay connected. Does your partner try to isolate you from family and friends? Maintain regular contact with your loved ones so you’ll have a strong support network.

    5. Evaluate your options. You need to decide if any relationship is healthy for you. Your partner may be willing and able to change. Otherwise, think about what you want for your future. Prepare for the instance that they will never want to/agree to get the help they need so in the end, you may have to walk away and recover from the mental abuse

    6. Build your confidence. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Review your achievements and set meaningful goals. Stand up tall and smile.  Remember that it’s not you; the gas lighter is 100% responsible for their behavior.

Steps to Take with Your Partner:

   1. Address the issue. Let your partner know when you feel like you’re being treated unfairly. Advocate for yourself directly and respectfully. State your position and stand firm.

    2. Slow down. You’ll be more effective if you can stay calm. Pause if you need time to consider your response. Speak slowly and quietly.

    3. Set limits. Your partner may become defensive or try to change the subject. Tell them that you need to resolve this issue. Try to set healthy boundaries and negotiate conditions that will help both of you to feel understood.

    4. Apologize selectively. Do you apologize just to avoid conflicts? Train yourself to save your regrets for situations where you really are at fault. Be consistent so your partner will know what to expect.

    5. Act independently. Gaslighting usually occurs when one partner feels significantly less powerful than the other. In reality, you are probably more capable than you think. Take control of your life by strengthening your finances and developing greater resilience.

    6. Show empathy. It may help to know that gaslighting says more about your partner than it does about you. It could be the only way they know how to deal with stress or a way to hide their own insecurities. You can love them without approving of their behavior.

    7. Seek counseling. A therapist who specializes in relationships may be able to help you turn things around. Invite your partner to join you or go on your own.

Gas lighting at workplace

 Gas lighting is confined not just to families and personal relationships, but it can also happen at workplaces.   Gas lighter at work maybe your boss or your co-worker. They may assert things dishonestly and with conviction.   They maybe managers who shame and blame and distort truth with indignation.

“Meet your target this year and I promise you a raise.” Says your boss.  You are thrilled and determined to meet your target.  You burn the midnight oil and make sure you meet your target on time.

Guess what?

Nothing happens.  The promised raise is nowhere in sight.  You approach your manager.  Perhaps he has forgotten.

“Are you dreaming?  When did I ever say that?  Don’t you know the company is facing budget cuts?”

All of a sudden, you are the one apologizing.  You feel bad that you brought it up.  Did he actually promise that raise?  Or did you just imagine it?  The self-doubt begins.

They may refuse to listen to what you may have to say.  Or they may just take your ideas and present them as their own at a meeting.  They will not let you succeed and sabotage any and all of your efforts.  You may find due dates, policies and deadlines change in the middle of a project.

They make you feel inferior, unsafe and potentially depressed.  Anxiety and stress levels are likely to increase.   Your efforts are undermined and your expertise is devalued, making you feel trapped and humiliated.  This kind of micro aggression and mental warfare should be ripped off at the earliest at any workplace.   Unfortunately these gas lighters are often high performers who may have a good standing with the higher ups.  Often times they may directly communicate with you and others that they know more; that you do not know what you are doing or that you are not capable of the simplest tasks.

Document everything.  Documentation is the key.  Ask your co-workers if they have noticed similar behaviors.  Ask them to begin their own documentation too.   Be sure to include dates, times and the specific incidents.  If you decide to pursue the issue with human resources or higher ups make sure you have all the backups with you should the need arise.

Your Takeaway:

Gas lighting is a form of abuse that makes someone to doubt their perceptions or self-worth making them confused, withdrawn, anxious, or defensive about the abusive person’s behavior without even recognizing the other’s behavior.

The key is in recognizing the symptoms and acting upon them in a timely manner.   Remember-gas lighting is a form of mental and emotional abuse.   Practice validating yourself.   Ask help from friends and family to help you validate.   Record and document.   Get out of the self-doubt cycle.   Ignore those who challenge your perception.   Find courage to get out of the abusive relationship if necessary.